Why does change take so long and why is it so damned hard?!
As far as Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) - the originating form of CBT - is concerned, its author, Albert Ellis, wrote about the difficulty of personal change being mostly due to two major factors:
That humans are born with a disposition to emotional disturbance
That people often learn dysfunctional methods of coping with circumstances due to their early experiences in childhood and later on in life
REBT highlights that humans are affectable creatures. We are affected by our environment - cognitively, emotionally, and behaviourally. We react to things. We are easily affectable. Ellis pointed out that, for some reason, we happen to be particularly prone to emotional disturbance as a first reaction. We are more likely to think irrationally rather than rationally and feel strongly rather than moderately. Speculatively and hypothetically, it has been theorised this may be because stronger emotions have helped us to survive in the past, e.g. anxiety helping us to escape threat. These often automatic and unconscious thought processes and emotional and behavioural reactions are not necessarily something that is learned - rather, it has been thought that it is genetically and biologically gifted to us. Meaning, no matter how much we try to unlearn it, we will always basically have it with us. Think of the ubiquitous nature of emotional disturbance - mood and anxiety disorders are some of the most prevalent problems in the world, irrespective of culture. Surely not all of us could have had traumatic childhoods to result in these kinds of issues later in life. Ellis posited that because of this, it is logical to assume human beings’ proneness to disturbing themselves is part of being human. It is part of being a fallible human being. Going back to 2500BC, when the Stoics existed, there was a reason why many philosophers, like Zeno and Epictetus, had founded schools where they taught rules for living. Because then, just as we are prone to now, human beings suffered from emotional disturbance in the same way. Humans just did appear to upset themselves needlessly about things. And so, they taught similar strategies for helping people recognised their plight in improving their emotions and psychological health. Just as REBT recommends now, the Stoics suggested that human emotional difficulties are a fact of life. They cannot be eliminated - they can be managed - but not “cured”. It is a lifelong process. This is one reason why personal change can be so hard. The sooner you may be able to accept, (not like!) your vulnerability to self-defeating emotional states, the sooner you may be able to change what can be changed, and accept what cannot be changed.
Secondarily, people also often learn dysfunctional methods of coping. In the field of psychology, this is known as Learning Theory. We can easily point to our childhood experiences, adversities, our parents, things that happened at school, etc, that may explain why we think, feel, and act the way we do now. Often, these processes have become so entrenched through repetition after repetition, we do them frequently (if not always) without thinking about it. And we may have no insight about why we do what we do. In addition to this, we may also be burdened by Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) beliefs as REBT suggests regarding the difficulties of change, for example, that “even though I have insight into my struggles and why I behave the way I do, change is too damned hard and it will take too long to undo the damage!” Now, of course, this is not true. It is well worth trying to change what can be (provided it is something you have control over). But Rome was not built within a day. Change, the kind of change you may want, is uncomfortable and requires persistent effort over long periods of time - again, it is a lifelong process. It requires what we call in REBT, High Frustration Tolerance (HFT); which may go something like this - “whilst change is hard, it is worth trying to change. Change is not easy, however, I can stand putting in the work to get where I want to be. I will never be a perfect person, but I can live with that. Progress is progress - it’s not supposed to be perfect. I really wish change would come quickly or easily, but alas, that doesn’t appear to be the way things work in life.”
Dr Walter Matwechyuk coined the term “Psychological Push-Ups” - if you want to get emotionally strong, the work is no different to the kind of work you may do in the gym. I often say that if you wanted to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger - what do you think you would have to do? Well, you would have to train - a lot, for a really long time. And not just that, focus on recovery, think about and commit to regimented meal plan, etc. Then even still you may not look like Arnie, but you would be much closer to your goals than when you started. In REBT, we see psychological therapy as no different to the kind of physical training I have just mentioned, however, it is the training of yourself to get you emotionally strong so that you may cope with life’s adversities much better. So keep on putting in the repetitions - and this will help you to prepare for what life will (inevitably) throw at you. Because we all know what will happen if you just wish to be mentally tough but do not work for it - nothing. You will not get the result. You will think irrationally - you will act with utter depair. Seneca, the famous Stoic philosopher was a wealthy political advisor. He did not have to deal with the kind of poverty that peasants had to in Ancient Rome. He had limitless access to expensive, comfortable clothing, luxurious bedding and housing, and bountiful amounts of food. But once a month, for a week, Seneca chose to wear peasants clothing, eat peasant food, and sleep on the cold hard floor. Why? Because he wanted to prepare himself for the possibility that one day he had unfortunately lose his wealth, or have it taken away, or something worse. But why bother preparing for something that may never happen? This helped Seneca to practice gratitude for what he did have while he had it, and it also helped him to prepare for the possibility he may lose it in the future - he could rest easy knowing that he had put in the work and would not be in abject grief if he faced that unfortunate reality. That he had put himself through this emotional kind of labour, he would be able to bear the load (of life) and face it properly - with healthy disappointment or sorrow, but be able to, as Winston Churchill famously said, “keep buggering on”.
