Why Does Change Take So Long and Why Is It So Damned Hard?!?
Change. We all want it, but when we try to achieve it, we often find ourselves frustrated, stuck, and ready to give up. Whether you want to break a bad habit, cultivate a healthier mindset, or improve relationships, the process of change can feel painfully slow and overwhelming. So why is it so damned hard? According to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), the answer lies in our beliefs, emotions, and the patterns we've spent years reinforcing—but there's more to the story. Biological and evolutionary factors also play a significant role in why change feels so inherently difficult. Even more interestingly, Stoic philosophy reminds us that humans have struggled with change since the dawn of civilization, emphasizing the timeless nature of this challenge.
Understanding the Nature of Change
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), developed by Albert Ellis in the 1950s, teaches us that our emotions and behaviors are largely determined by our beliefs—particularly our irrational beliefs. When we hold rigid, extreme, and unrealistic expectations about ourselves, others, or the world, we set ourselves up for emotional suffering and resistance to change.
At the core of REBT is the ABC model:
A: Activating Event (something happens)
B: Belief (our interpretation of the event)
C: Consequence (the emotional and behavioral result of our belief)
For example, let's say you're trying to stop procrastinating, but you keep falling into old habits. The activating event (A) might be a deadline approaching. Your belief (B) might be, "I absolutely must do this perfectly, or I'll fail and be a complete loser." The consequence (C) is that you feel anxious, overwhelmed, and end up avoiding the task altogether.
Notice that it's not the deadline itself causing the problem; it's your irrational belief about the situation. This rigid demand for perfection not only creates emotional turmoil but also makes change feel impossible.
The Biological and Evolutionary Roots of Resistance to Change
While irrational beliefs are a significant barrier to change, biology also plays a role. Evolution has wired our brains to prioritize survival over personal growth, which often means clinging to what’s familiar—even when it’s unhealthy or unhelpful.
The Brain Prefers Efficiency: Change requires effort, and our brains are inherently lazy. From an evolutionary perspective, conserving energy was essential for survival. Once a behavior or thought pattern becomes a habit, it is stored in the basal ganglia—a part of the brain that automates routine actions. Changing these habits means overriding deeply ingrained neural pathways and building new ones, which requires significant mental energy and repetition.
The Fear of the Unknown: The human brain evolved to favor predictability because uncertainty often meant danger. Our ancestors who stuck to familiar routines were more likely to survive. Today, stepping out of our comfort zones can trigger the same stress response, leading us to avoid change in favor of what feels safe and predictable.
The Role of the Amygdala: The amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, plays a key role in processing fear and stress. When we attempt change, the unfamiliarity can activate the amygdala, leading to anxiety, hesitation, or even a fight-or-flight response. This biological reaction makes sticking to new behaviors feel uncomfortable and threatening, even when we rationally know the change is beneficial.
Dopamine and Habit Formation: Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Habits—good or bad—often form because they provide some kind of reward. Procrastination, for example, offers immediate relief from anxiety, releasing dopamine and reinforcing the behavior. Changing this habit requires pushing through discomfort until the brain begins to associate the new behavior with positive outcomes.
A Stoic Perspective on the Difficulty of Change
The challenge of change is not a modern phenomenon—it has been with us since the dawn of civilization. The ancient Stoics, philosophers like Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius, grappled with the same human struggles we face today. Their teachings provide a timeless framework for understanding why change is so difficult and how we can overcome this challenge.
Human Nature Resists Change: Stoics recognized that humans are creatures of habit. As Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations, "The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts." This means that the more we repeat certain ways of thinking and behaving, the harder it becomes to change them. Just as REBT teaches, our beliefs shape our emotions and actions—and we must actively cultivate healthier perspectives to break free from old patterns.
Discomfort Is Part of Growth: Stoicism teaches that discomfort is an unavoidable part of personal growth. Seneca reminds us, "We suffer more in imagination than in reality." Often, the fear of change—the imagined worst-case scenarios—holds us back more than the change itself. By confronting our irrational fears and accepting discomfort as part of the process, we can develop the courage to move forward.
Focus on What You Can Control: A core Stoic principle is to focus on what is within our control and let go of what is not. Change often feels overwhelming because we fixate on outcomes we cannot guarantee. Instead, as Epictetus advised, we should direct our energy toward our actions and attitudes. We may not control how quickly change happens, but we can control our effort, patience, and persistence.
The Long Path to Virtue: For the Stoics, change was not about instant transformation but a lifelong commitment to becoming a better person. Marcus Aurelius reminds us, "Do not expect perfection, but make an effort." This aligns beautifully with the REBT principle of progress over perfection—recognizing that small, consistent steps are what lead to meaningful change.
Why Does Change Take So Long?
Change is hard because irrational beliefs are deeply ingrained, and biology compounds the challenge. Over the years, you've practiced and reinforced certain ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving—like playing a song on repeat. Creating new neural pathways and healthier beliefs requires:
Awareness: Recognizing the irrational beliefs holding you back.
Challenging Beliefs: Actively disputing them and replacing them with more rational alternatives.
Repetition and Practice: Just like learning a new skill, adopting healthier beliefs and behaviors takes consistent effort.
From a Stoic perspective, this process involves accepting the difficulty, embracing discomfort, and committing to growth as a lifelong journey.
How to Move Forward: Integrating REBT, Biology, and Stoicism
Identify Your Irrational Beliefs: Write down the thoughts and beliefs that come up when you’re trying to change.
Example: “I must be perfect, or I’m a failure.”
Dispute and Replace Them: Challenge your beliefs with logic and adopt healthier alternatives.
Example: “I want to do well, but I don’t have to be perfect. Mistakes are opportunities to learn.”
Accept Discomfort as Part of Growth: Remind yourself that discomfort is temporary and necessary. As the Stoics teach, growth requires courage and persistence.
Focus on What You Can Control: Direct your energy toward your effort, not the outcome.
Practice Consistently: Small, repeated actions lead to change over time. Celebrate progress, no matter how small.
Final Thoughts
Change is hard, but not impossible. REBT reminds us to address the irrational beliefs that keep us stuck, biology explains why the process feels so uncomfortable, and Stoicism offers the wisdom to embrace the challenge as part of life’s journey.
Progress takes time, effort, and persistence—but every step forward is a victory. As Marcus Aurelius reminds us: "The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."
